I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
