Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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