Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
