Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
