Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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