Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
