I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
