I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
