dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
