oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
