I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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