ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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