i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
