who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
