He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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