i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
