tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
