Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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