life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
