He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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