I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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