He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize