you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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