I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
