apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
