Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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