i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
