Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
