I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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