I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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