So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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