I didn't shave. On purpose
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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