So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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