Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
