Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
