You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
