The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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