I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
