I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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