Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
