apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
