My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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