she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
