Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
