Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
