You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
