There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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