Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is the high leading the old right now
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
