I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
