someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
