He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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