: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize