Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize