I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize