she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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