we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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