You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
